Unhappy,unfit, unwell and unmotivated

ICKK! Horrid mood, tired, grumpy and just plain BLAH! I have absolutely no motivation, no desire to do what I am supposed to, I am just plain LAZY today. I am grouchy, I want to be in my comfy pjs relazing in my lazy boy doing nothing but breathing and reading my book until I fall asleep at 7:30 like a little old lady!
I am only 35!! What the heck?
I really don't know what I get this way. Maybe its stress, may its hormonal, I am not sure but I know that I really need to get a grip on it. When I get to feeling this way I let all common sense go to the wayside.
"Sure, lets order pizza for lunch" "one coke won't hurt" "chocolate, why not, I have been good" " Can we skip walking today, I got stuff to do and I am tired" Lazy, Lazy, Lazy! And I wonder why I can't lose this weight?
All this self sabotage is really getting to me!
I am a nurse, I know what I need to do. I know the mechanics of the human body. I know the "formula" for losing weight. I know the key to having more energy. I know that I feel great when I follow the rules. So why can't I make myself do it?
In my giant stubborn brain I know that the reason I feel like crap today is because of my diet and activity choices. How do you make yourself do something you need even when you don't want to?
Its a constant struggle. I need that buddy with willpower to drag my butt to the gym, or the trail or wherever.
Apparently I have no real willpower of my own.
I brought a salad for lunch today. I very fine salad might I add,, and I ate pizza instead!!!! Why??
Because it was there? Because I felt I deserved it? Because I have a food addiction? oh, wait a minute. I think I know the answer to that and it scares me.
What if I am addicted to food, bad food, junk food, fast food, carbs, sugar, soda? Addicted.
That makes this whole weight loss concept a lot harder doesn't it?
Food is not something that you can just dispose of and never touch again. If I were an alcoholic, I could just get rid of the alcohol, if I were into drugs I could just avoid them.  But food is an entirely different matter. I once had a friend explain to me about her food addiction that its like you put a tiger in a jar, if your tiger were a substance like drugs or alcohol you could just not ever open the jar again, but for food, you take the tiger out of the jar and play with it three times a day.You have to train the tiger not to bite you, and make it tame enough that you can play with it and put it willingly back in the jar.
 That made a lot of sense to me. Apparently my food tiger has a sweet tooth and a pizza fetish. So what's a girl to do?
I am going to just treat every day as a new chance to meet my goals. Its so hard to get past the food as a reward thing, I have to rationalize with myself that food is only nourishment for my body. Not a crutch for everything I perceive as a wrong done to me in my life. Not as an outlet for a really stressful day, or as a replacement for someone to talk to.
I have found myfitnesspal.com which is an app that you I-phone users can get  to keep track of your calorie intake, its free and its awesome. I really like it.
 My next step will be planning my meals in advance, getting control of my grocery shopping and budget. And of course getting rid of all those eat out nights and crappy food choices in the pantry.
Then of course the important part exercise I am going to drag my booty to the walking trail or gym whether I like it or not. Cause I know that as much as I dread it I feel so much better after I do it!
Finally I am going to forgive myself, I had done poorly today, tomorrow is a fresh slate. I am going to have a better and more healthy day tomorrow. That's what its all about isn't it,? getting back on track. I need some feedback Minions, what helps or has helped keep you motivated? What do you pull on when you are feeling low,lazy ect?     How do you tame your tiger?                                            
              Grumpily yours ~C                                                                        

New Year New Decisions

Do I dare even do it? Those dreaded and always broken New Years Resolutions.
I have done a lot of pondering today on the fresh start we get every 365 days when we can reboot our lives and go toward whatever goals we have for ourselves with a clean slate.
2012 wasn't the worst year ever, it wasn't a real high point year for me either, but, isn't that just how life goes?
 So instead of worrying about making up some stupid resolutions that I will not be able to live up to for more than a month I decided to make conscious decisions about my life and the route I want it to go.

I think when you reach a certain age all of the big birthdays are kind of a thing of the past, you know you look forward to these moments in life that are your hallmark moments. You turn 16 you get your license, 18 you are an adult by law, 21 you are legal for alcohol. You graduate high school, you go to college, you graduate college, you get married, you start a family. Then it slows down, you raise your kids. They get old enough that maybe they don't need you quite as much, you grow stagnate. The kids grow up and leave and what is left? Grandkids, Retirement, impending old age and regret, loss of family members to old age, loss of independence, then death? Is that really all there is?

I already look back on raising my kids to this point, so many regrets, I see those little round cherub faced babies in these pictures and wonder where on earth did time go? I wish I had enjoyed it more, that baby smell, those firsts, I wish I had paid more attention, soaked it all in. I wish I had enjoyed it more because once those moments are gone they are gone forever, and they go by entirely too fast. I feel like I missed the big picture. I was young, broke, and stressed. I didn't realize how much of a miracle each one of them were at that time. I wish I had only knew how quickly it would pass.
My babies are still at home, my oldest 2 years from 18, my youngest entering that preteen time. I can't believe it has happened so quickly. I wish I had slowed down and paid more attention. I always just feel like I am living too fast, and I need to enjoy things more. I still have time right now to instill those things in my children that I want them to know. I want them to not make the same mistakes I have, I want them to live life to the absolute fullest because time always passes too fast. I have not done a good job of being that example for them. My diet and exercise habits are not good. I am passing on my horrible habits and obesity on to them and to their future families. There are so many things I want to do with them while I can before they are grown and have their own lives to live. I want to travel and take them to see new things. I want to be the fun mom that does things with them. I want to be there.
What about spiritually? I don't often sprout words of wisdom from The Bible. I am a Christian, I do believe in God and the Bible, but I am not currently in a church and I am far from any person to get spiritual advice from. And growing up in church I do believe something is missing. I need to instill that faith in my children, that way they will walk with God and know that they are never alone.
I had a long talk with God this morning on my drive into work. I need His guidance back in my life. Its been far too long.
I finally let go of a lot of things I have been holding onto. I don't have room for them anymore, I have made a lot of changes in this past year and it has been hard to let go.  I have had to cut my losses and let go of negative relationships in my life and negative people. I have had to forgive and let go of hurt that I never have understood, I don't want to be bitter anymore. I have to move on and find my happiness. My happiness lies with my family, my children are the most important thing in my life. I need to be more for them.
 I have been on this weight loss roller coaster and failed time and time again, but this time I think I will succeed, because I know that no matter how strong I think I am I CANNOT DO IT ALONE.
I have so many blessings in this life that I know I do not deserve, and I am thankful for the love of my friends and family, and all the things the Lord has bestowed upon me. I have a husband who loves me regardless of my dress size, a nice warm home to come into every evening, four beautiful, healthy children, spoiled dogs, and a job that is perfect for me. The rest is up to me. So now for the weight loss portion of this blog. I am doing lots of research, I want to do this the right way, the slow way, the permanent way.
So I have started slowly, cutting down on the soda, making better food choices, making plans to start walking after work,drinking more water. Reading books about weight loss, being motivated. I am on track , it is no longer about just losing weight, it is about renewing my life, being healthy and being happy, I know I can do it with my New Year's Decisions, not resolutions.

Hey there Stranger...

I gotta quit doing this, not blogging for months at a time, then it takes forever to catch everyone up to speed. Well, here it goes. The big news is that in August, I left my job at the acute care crisis psych unit for a director job at a geriatric psychiatric unit. The job change was a huge stressor that I didn't fully understand at the time. I saw dollar signs a shorter commute plus they wanted me, to really be in charge? Awesome. It has had its up and downs but the one thing I didn't account for is the fact that I eat fast food garbage almost every day, and my butt shows it! My job is pretty sedentary, which doesn't help much either. I really like my job for the most part, I really enjoy the patients and folks I work with. I just have got to get more mobile and eat better.
So in the spirit of the new year and the new beginning, I am going to do just that, begin again. Sooner or later  you would think I would get tired of falling off that horse and ride it out. I sure want to. What I need from you my glorious minions, is your support and motivation. I am going to lose this fat, I will rock it out. I got a plan, I got a backup plan and I am ready. I am going to be blogging my journey, at least weekly.

                      2013 Will be MY YEAR!!

Starting over yet AGAIN!!!!

So I didn't have the surgery, big shocker there huh? I went in for my EGD, got as far as my IV and found out that because my doctor had prescribed Phentermine for me to help me lose the presurgery weight for insurance approval, I had to reschedule and be off the medication for 2 weeks.
My husband talked with me after that ordeal and told me his feelings, he is really afraid of me doing something so  drastic, he is afraid of complications and he doesn't want to lose me. Needless to say, I didn't reschedule the procedure and I dropped out of the presurgery program again determined to continue losing the weight myself.
Then life happened! My hubby lost his job/insurance, I spent the latter part of the year working tons of overtime to compensate for the lose of income, then the holidays came, then winter, depression and you guessed it I gained it back. All but ten pounds that is.
So now its April and we are planning our summer vacation getaway, he has a new job with great benefits, I am not working overtime very often at all. I have been in a bad mood for a very long time. I want to feel better, I want to be happier. My attitude has been poor, and I need to get better. I don't want be this fat, bitter person. Its affecting me at home, at work, with my family, my friends. I am hiding out, stuck in a big old rut.
Then this weekend I worked my hiney off literally, busy day on my feet all 13 hours. After work, my feet and lower legs swelled up on me to the point that I could hardly get my sneakers off. Then the rash came, then the red and brown blanching spots. I freaked out and made a doctors appointment. I am a nurse I have seen this before. What is it? Diabetes? Vascular disease? Blood Clots? Venous stasis?
I don't want to lose my legs, I am only 34, I can't end up in a wheel chair,I am too big, it will kill me.  I don't want to die! I want to live, see my children grown, play with my grand kids someday, I don't want this all taken away from me. I have got to do something. I don't have a choice.
My doctor was puzzled by the swelling but seems to think its related to my thyroid and obesity. I got some water pills and the swelling is going down. I still have the discoloration although I am drinking tons of water and wearing compression stockings and getting up and walking frequently. I will do whatever it takes, this is a huge wake up call for me.
I posted a request for diet suggestions on Facebook and I got lots of positive responses. I am going to do this. Chicken breasts and salads sure aren't pizza and hamburgers, but its what I have to do to live.
I still don't know if I will have the surgery down the road. In my heart of hearts I don't want to. I want to be strong enough to do it on my own. I know its a long road and I have just barely scratched the surface.
This blog is part of my process so I will try to keep it updated as much as possible. It helps me to get these thoughts out of my head and the responses I get are very much appreciated and useful to me. Thank you to those who follow me, I really appreciate your concern and your prayers. 
Time to change my life~ C
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Taking the scenic route....

Long time no blog. I have been BUSY! Work has been hopping lately and I have been spending lots of quality time with my awesome coworkers, I am very fortunate that I am allowed to do overtime weekly if I so desire and I have been doing quite a bit of it as of late. Not that I mind working, I have a great job where I get to meet very interesting people and work with the best doctors, nurses, techs, social workers and activity therapists ever.
Work is my escape most of the time. I manage my diet better there, my coworkers are pretty healthy when it comes to food choices and I would feel the need to explain myself if I gorged on a bunch of junk food in their presence.
So I have pretty much decided to go ahead and have the surgery. I am sure I will change my mind 15 times before I  actually go under but I think that (maybe) it will be the best choice for me.
I have lost 42lbs at this point, I am wearing clothes that have been literally hanging in my closet for 5-6 years, that's right YEARS! I never realized how much weight I packed on after having my daughter and going to college. It was so easy to gain it, I am proud of being able to wear those clothes again. It makes me feel good to put them on, and fortunately they are still pretty much in style so I don't have to worry about buying a new wardrobe. Except for my scrubs, I am down two sizes on them but most of my older scrubs are 3 sizes smaller than what I was wearing, its all good though, I will get there.

Tonight looking through some of my old pictures on my Facebook page I found a picture of me and my son taken a year ago today on my phone. I took another picture of myself and compared the two photos, it really blew me away to see the difference in my face. I can see the changes, its one thing to see yourself wear different clothes and buy different sizes, its another to see the evidence in front of your face side by side, I am so happy that I seriously could sit down and cry. I can't wait to see what my picture will look like a year from now. I am hoping I am looking smoking hot and thin! :)

I am almost completely through with my diet and exercise program that my bariatric surgeon supervises that is required for my insurance to pay for my surgery. I have a EGD scheduled for next week, and I have to have a psychiatric evaluation, which is kind of funny considering that I am a psych nurse (omg what if I fail?)

After that is complete then its my insurance approval, then schedule the date, from what the Dr's office told me it will probably be around October before I would have surgery. I am excited but scared. I am just going to pray that everything will be okay and I will do phenomenal.

As far as my exercise, well, that has been kind of on the back burner. I am seriously slacking on going to the gym. I am not going to make all the usual excuses (work, hot weather, car issues) I just have not made working out a priority and I have got to get back on track. Every time I look in the mirror I see the signs of my weight loss, I also see the saggy flabby skin that I despise. I must tone up asap! I can't even imagine what it would be like to have abs or to wear a tank top in public!

It seems like all my life I have been waiting on "someday" to get here, "someday" when I am thin, "someday" when I have money, "someday" when I have time, "someday" when I feel better, "someday"when I'm not so tired all the time, "someday" when I don't have to work so much, "someday" when I am done with school, "someday" when the kids are older, "Someday" when I______. I am "someday"-ing my life away. So here is a new approach.....

"Someday" is much closer than I realize, "Someday" is now.

My kids are getting older, I have my degree, I can always go back to school, I wouldn't be so tired or feel bad if I wasn't so big, I don't have to work more than three days a week if I choose, I will probably never have a disposable income, I am getting thinner daily. I am there. I am where I need to be, I just have to keep going.

It may have taken a long time to get here, but the scenic route is always a little more interesting.

Keep on going, there may be bumps in the road but if I can do it anyone can. ~C

Enough Already

I am getting impatient. I mean, I can see the scale inching downward slowly, I can see the difference in  my face in the mirror, I can feel that my clothes are loose on me and that I can wear stuff that I haven't worn in ages but I am still not happy.
 Its not enough. Its not even close to enough.
You really think you are looking good and you don't realize how big you still are, until you see the pictures. Then you are ashamed. I am.  So I get frustrated, and I want to fall back on my old habits. I want to reward myself for all my hard work. Why does this have to be so stinking hard?

 Why couldn't I have just been born thin?

I see these people all the time who can eat what they want and have never had to deal with a weight issue in their lives. I am so jealous of that. Being fat is such a big part of who I have always been as a person. You know, the funny girl who likes to make people smile. The self depreciating type who makes herself and her size a big joke. But its not funny.  I am tired of being the one who I shoot verbal barbs at, I am tired of disrespecting myself to get people to like me.

 I can still be funny, and fun to be around without dragging myself down with it. I expected that this road to wellness would lead me through new experiences and make me stronger, and I expected there to be changes made. But I never expected to question myself and who I have always been.

Maybe that is why I am struggling so much with all the decisions I am going to have to make real soon.
I don't want to have gastric bypass. I want the results, but I am scared of surgery. Its irreversible. I could die on the table, I could die from complications. I could leave my children without a mother, my husband without his wife, my parents without a daughter.  I could spend the rest of my life feeling terrible and sick. I could become such a basket case that I never want to leave my house.

But I could be phenomenal. I could be beautiful and thin and feel great. I could be the type of person I always wanted to be. One who enjoys being outdoors and who isn't afraid or embarrassed to do things that most folks consider fun. One who isn't afraid of going to the amusement park or going on a flight in fear of not fitting in the seats.  One of those girls who loves to go shopping for new clothes. Normal.

No matter what I decide, this is not the "easy way out". One thing is for certain, My life will be forever changed.

Part of me wants to say, I can do this on my own, I don't need surgery. I need willpower. The other part says, there is no way I can succeed without help.

What do I do?

I watch the biggest loser for inspiration. Week after week I see these people who weigh less than I do drop 10+ pounds per week, PER WEEK! I have lost 26, over a period of MONTHS! 5 months to be exact. What the heck?

I am just feeling so frustrated with myself right now.
Say a prayer for me please, I am having such a hard time staying on track.

Hoping for better news next time- C

Derailed

What a wild, crazy, fast-paced life I lead. It seems that I never have any down time anymore. Being a mom, a wife, a nurse, a friend, a personal therapist (unpaid might I add) and a doting aunt ( I got a new baby niece a couple weeks ago, and my nephew turned one) keeps you busy constantly. I try so hard to squeeze it all in and if it don't fit then I pull time away from myself.

Its crazy really, I haven't sit down and read a book in months, I don't sleep but a few hours then I have to get up for some reason or another, I don't do me-time.

 Maybe thats how I got derailed. Off track.

Busted

Why, oh why, are old habits sooo hard to break and new ones sooo hard to learn????

Its just too easy. I don't even have to think, or stress, I just do it. Its second nature.

 Why can't I be that way about the good things, like working out, like dieting, like drinking water, like being healthy, and conscious of what goes into my mouth?

 I guess if I knew the answer to that I wouldn't be in this predicament in the first place.

 It is so easy to slip back into those old habits. I have lost 20lbs now but the last few days have not been good ones for me. I am slacking big time. I am calling myself out on it, I have been making very poor choices.

I don't really know what started it all. I was going to the gym, I was eating what I should and then BAM! I was right back doing the same things that led me to this point.

I found myself making excuses for my behavior;

 "I deserve to eat _______, I had a rough day"

 " I am too tired to cook tonight, I will just grab something on way in".

 " I will go to the gym tomorrow"

I wish I could pinpoint what happened but I can't.

My life has been superbusy lately, with work, and family, and home schooling my son, maybe I just stopped planning time for myself? Maybe I am not seeing the results quick enough?

I don't know but it has to stop, Now.
I have to get back on track. Recharge my batteries, and move forward.
Back to the gym tomorrow, back on protein shakes and lean cuisines, I have got to do this.

Here's to making healthy new habits stick----
~C~