I am getting impatient. I mean, I can see the scale inching downward slowly, I can see the difference in my face in the mirror, I can feel that my clothes are loose on me and that I can wear stuff that I haven't worn in ages but I am still not happy.
Its not enough. Its not even close to enough.
You really think you are looking good and you don't realize how big you still are, until you see the pictures. Then you are ashamed. I am. So I get frustrated, and I want to fall back on my old habits. I want to reward myself for all my hard work. Why does this have to be so stinking hard?
Why couldn't I have just been born thin?
I see these people all the time who can eat what they want and have never had to deal with a weight issue in their lives. I am so jealous of that. Being fat is such a big part of who I have always been as a person. You know, the funny girl who likes to make people smile. The self depreciating type who makes herself and her size a big joke. But its not funny. I am tired of being the one who I shoot verbal barbs at, I am tired of disrespecting myself to get people to like me.
I can still be funny, and fun to be around without dragging myself down with it. I expected that this road to wellness would lead me through new experiences and make me stronger, and I expected there to be changes made. But I never expected to question myself and who I have always been.
Maybe that is why I am struggling so much with all the decisions I am going to have to make real soon.
I don't want to have gastric bypass. I want the results, but I am scared of surgery. Its irreversible. I could die on the table, I could die from complications. I could leave my children without a mother, my husband without his wife, my parents without a daughter. I could spend the rest of my life feeling terrible and sick. I could become such a basket case that I never want to leave my house.
But I could be phenomenal. I could be beautiful and thin and feel great. I could be the type of person I always wanted to be. One who enjoys being outdoors and who isn't afraid or embarrassed to do things that most folks consider fun. One who isn't afraid of going to the amusement park or going on a flight in fear of not fitting in the seats. One of those girls who loves to go shopping for new clothes. Normal.
No matter what I decide, this is not the "easy way out". One thing is for certain, My life will be forever changed.
Part of me wants to say, I can do this on my own, I don't need surgery. I need willpower. The other part says, there is no way I can succeed without help.
What do I do?
I watch the biggest loser for inspiration. Week after week I see these people who weigh less than I do drop 10+ pounds per week, PER WEEK! I have lost 26, over a period of MONTHS! 5 months to be exact. What the heck?
I am just feeling so frustrated with myself right now.
Say a prayer for me please, I am having such a hard time staying on track.
Hoping for better news next time- C
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
Derailed
What a wild, crazy, fast-paced life I lead. It seems that I never have any down time anymore. Being a mom, a wife, a nurse, a friend, a personal therapist (unpaid might I add) and a doting aunt ( I got a new baby niece a couple weeks ago, and my nephew turned one) keeps you busy constantly. I try so hard to squeeze it all in and if it don't fit then I pull time away from myself.
Its crazy really, I haven't sit down and read a book in months, I don't sleep but a few hours then I have to get up for some reason or another, I don't do me-time.
Maybe thats how I got derailed. Off track.
Busted
Why, oh why, are old habits sooo hard to break and new ones sooo hard to learn????
Its just too easy. I don't even have to think, or stress, I just do it. Its second nature.
Why can't I be that way about the good things, like working out, like dieting, like drinking water, like being healthy, and conscious of what goes into my mouth?
I guess if I knew the answer to that I wouldn't be in this predicament in the first place.
It is so easy to slip back into those old habits. I have lost 20lbs now but the last few days have not been good ones for me. I am slacking big time. I am calling myself out on it, I have been making very poor choices.
I don't really know what started it all. I was going to the gym, I was eating what I should and then BAM! I was right back doing the same things that led me to this point.
I found myself making excuses for my behavior;
"I deserve to eat _______, I had a rough day"
" I am too tired to cook tonight, I will just grab something on way in".
" I will go to the gym tomorrow"
I wish I could pinpoint what happened but I can't.
My life has been superbusy lately, with work, and family, and home schooling my son, maybe I just stopped planning time for myself? Maybe I am not seeing the results quick enough?
I don't know but it has to stop, Now.
I have to get back on track. Recharge my batteries, and move forward.
Back to the gym tomorrow, back on protein shakes and lean cuisines, I have got to do this.
Here's to making healthy new habits stick----
~C~
Its crazy really, I haven't sit down and read a book in months, I don't sleep but a few hours then I have to get up for some reason or another, I don't do me-time.
Maybe thats how I got derailed. Off track.
Busted
Why, oh why, are old habits sooo hard to break and new ones sooo hard to learn????
Its just too easy. I don't even have to think, or stress, I just do it. Its second nature.
Why can't I be that way about the good things, like working out, like dieting, like drinking water, like being healthy, and conscious of what goes into my mouth?
I guess if I knew the answer to that I wouldn't be in this predicament in the first place.
It is so easy to slip back into those old habits. I have lost 20lbs now but the last few days have not been good ones for me. I am slacking big time. I am calling myself out on it, I have been making very poor choices.
I don't really know what started it all. I was going to the gym, I was eating what I should and then BAM! I was right back doing the same things that led me to this point.
I found myself making excuses for my behavior;
"I deserve to eat _______, I had a rough day"
" I am too tired to cook tonight, I will just grab something on way in".
" I will go to the gym tomorrow"
I wish I could pinpoint what happened but I can't.
My life has been superbusy lately, with work, and family, and home schooling my son, maybe I just stopped planning time for myself? Maybe I am not seeing the results quick enough?
I don't know but it has to stop, Now.
I have to get back on track. Recharge my batteries, and move forward.
Back to the gym tomorrow, back on protein shakes and lean cuisines, I have got to do this.
Here's to making healthy new habits stick----
~C~
Monday, March 7, 2011
Who, ME? like exercise, No way.
So it has been a while since my last post. I have been very busy. I am very happy to say that I am still sticking with it, I am watching my diet, reading lots of nutrition labels and drinking water. I got a membership at a local gym and one of my friends is helping me out with what circuits I should do to lose weight. I am shooting for going to the gym 3-4 days per week. I worked out today for nearly two hours.
I really like the gym, its nice, the equipment is new and its not crowded. The best part is that I can go anytime I want to, its open to members 24/7 and I can go to any location this particular fitness company has. What surprises me however is that I actually enjoy going.
Wait a minute. Who actually enjoys working out? I have to be kidding right?
Nope, I really do enjoy it. I like the way it makes me feel, you know that whole endorphin thing? Well, its true. When I walk out of that gym I am tired, and sweaty, but I feel like a million bucks. Its not just the mood improvement though, I feel accomplished. I have followed through and done this no matter how hard I thought it would be or how much I wanted to quit I didn't. It makes me feel good that I did it, and I get that feeling every single time I leave the gym. Its so empowering to realize that all the things that have been holding me back all these years aren't holding me back anymore. I may be losing weight but I am growing in other ways.
Heck, I am proud of myself. And I have no desire to ever quit . My clothes are baggy, my rings roll around on my fingers and I can see the difference when I look in the mirror. I also see something new, a little bit of self confidence, and I kind of like it.
My routine
30-45 minutes of cardio and 45 minutes to one hour of weight training,
I plan on adding in some classes this week just to keep me on my toes, I am totally loving this, if anyone is interested in a great gym email me, I will tell you all about mine.
Bring on the pain- C
I really like the gym, its nice, the equipment is new and its not crowded. The best part is that I can go anytime I want to, its open to members 24/7 and I can go to any location this particular fitness company has. What surprises me however is that I actually enjoy going.
Wait a minute. Who actually enjoys working out? I have to be kidding right?
Nope, I really do enjoy it. I like the way it makes me feel, you know that whole endorphin thing? Well, its true. When I walk out of that gym I am tired, and sweaty, but I feel like a million bucks. Its not just the mood improvement though, I feel accomplished. I have followed through and done this no matter how hard I thought it would be or how much I wanted to quit I didn't. It makes me feel good that I did it, and I get that feeling every single time I leave the gym. Its so empowering to realize that all the things that have been holding me back all these years aren't holding me back anymore. I may be losing weight but I am growing in other ways.
Heck, I am proud of myself. And I have no desire to ever quit . My clothes are baggy, my rings roll around on my fingers and I can see the difference when I look in the mirror. I also see something new, a little bit of self confidence, and I kind of like it.
My routine
30-45 minutes of cardio and 45 minutes to one hour of weight training,
I plan on adding in some classes this week just to keep me on my toes, I am totally loving this, if anyone is interested in a great gym email me, I will tell you all about mine.
Bring on the pain- C
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
The embarassment factor
So I usually don't post two blog entries so close together, but something happened today that I want to share and see how others have dealt with it.
I am a nurse on a psychiatric unit, and we are required to learn self defense-type moves to keep our patients and others safe. Walking into the training I felt very self conscious, I am the heaviest one here, including the guys. Luckily we had a smaller class so that made things a little easier, and going through the basic grabs felt okay, but when we had to drop to our knees and pull someone down with us, flip them around and put them on their belly while we laid on our sides next to them, I felt very nervous. Just watching my co-workers who I love and trust, I felt like a beached whale, I was sooo embarassed about my size. If felt myself tearing up and the dramatic part of my personality wanted to jump up and leave. What if my shirt came up and everyone saw my fat belly (it did ), what if I crush someone because of my weight (I did), what if I hurt someone, what if I get hurt? Eventually it was my turn and you know what, I did okay. The worrying about it was far worse than the reality of doing it, and I was judging myself much harder than others were.
Processing this later today I realized that we really are our worst critics. Nobody I worked with thought badly of me today regarding my size, I was just doing a mandatory training for my job. When I spoke to one of my friends about this she told me, "Nobody is judging you"
But I was judging myself and setting myself up for failure because I told myself that everyone was secretly thinking bad thoughts about me. The reason I am posting this is because this way of thinking sabotages me all the time. I don't do things I enjoy because of being embarassed about myself/my size/my weight. Thats why I don't go out dancing with my husband, its why I don't get up and sing in front of people (even though I am pretty darn good at it) Its why I don't follow through with going to the gym or exercising, I feel like people are thinking "God she is so fat, why does she even bother?"
I am not going to do this anymore, I have to be in control of these negative thoughts and realize that everyone has negative feelings about themselves, there is something that everyone hates, whether its their weight, their hair, their complexion, their thighs, we all have our insecurities.
So that is my new goal, I am going to try to push beyond that "embarassment" and live my life.
I CAN do this!
I am a nurse on a psychiatric unit, and we are required to learn self defense-type moves to keep our patients and others safe. Walking into the training I felt very self conscious, I am the heaviest one here, including the guys. Luckily we had a smaller class so that made things a little easier, and going through the basic grabs felt okay, but when we had to drop to our knees and pull someone down with us, flip them around and put them on their belly while we laid on our sides next to them, I felt very nervous. Just watching my co-workers who I love and trust, I felt like a beached whale, I was sooo embarassed about my size. If felt myself tearing up and the dramatic part of my personality wanted to jump up and leave. What if my shirt came up and everyone saw my fat belly (it did ), what if I crush someone because of my weight (I did), what if I hurt someone, what if I get hurt? Eventually it was my turn and you know what, I did okay. The worrying about it was far worse than the reality of doing it, and I was judging myself much harder than others were.
Processing this later today I realized that we really are our worst critics. Nobody I worked with thought badly of me today regarding my size, I was just doing a mandatory training for my job. When I spoke to one of my friends about this she told me, "Nobody is judging you"
But I was judging myself and setting myself up for failure because I told myself that everyone was secretly thinking bad thoughts about me. The reason I am posting this is because this way of thinking sabotages me all the time. I don't do things I enjoy because of being embarassed about myself/my size/my weight. Thats why I don't go out dancing with my husband, its why I don't get up and sing in front of people (even though I am pretty darn good at it) Its why I don't follow through with going to the gym or exercising, I feel like people are thinking "God she is so fat, why does she even bother?"
I am not going to do this anymore, I have to be in control of these negative thoughts and realize that everyone has negative feelings about themselves, there is something that everyone hates, whether its their weight, their hair, their complexion, their thighs, we all have our insecurities.
So that is my new goal, I am going to try to push beyond that "embarassment" and live my life.
I CAN do this!
Monday, February 21, 2011
Weigh in #1 2/21/11~ Baby Steps~
Hello everyone, having a hard time gathering my thoughts tonight so bear with me. I went back today to my 2nd Diet and Exercise doctors appt, (insurance requires 6 months for precert for gastric bypass surgery) I have officially given up soda and was quite anxious to see what the results are. I worked all weekend and weighed in there late yesterday, and the work scale showed a 8-9lb weight loss, I was elated!
So I went to my appointment eager to show the doctor that all my hard work had paid off and when I got on the scale there, my weight loss was only 5.5lbs, I was a little disappointed.
Okay so I take that back, I was very disappointed. I didn't understand why the numbers weren't more. I felt like I have done better than I have ever done and wanted to see the results on the scale.
But instead of blowing things out of proportion and giving up completely (again) or totally sabotaging my efforts by going on a food bender, I decided to do a little retail therapy. I went to the store and bought a pretty new bedding set and some new work out clothes, I may be disappointed but its only one weigh in and hey I lost five pounds!!! I am rewarding myself in Healthier ways, not with food. So even though the numbers are not killer this month, at least they are going in the right direction, and my behaviors are better, can't really ask for more than that. I have said all along that this whole issue with weight and eating is 99.9% mental, if I can beat that, the numbers will continue to go down.
Now to really start the physical stuff.
My buddy/co-worker has challenged another friend/coworker to a training duel, to see who can assist me and another friend in losing the most weight by July 1st of this year, so I am going to be entering a gym membership this week, this could be interesting....
I have been very fortunate to have really great family, friends and coworkers who keep me motivated, thank you guys! Next weigh in my numbers will be fabulous!
Patiently plugging along~C
By the way,
I have found a great resource, its a book by Geneen Roth, I will share the info at the bottom of this entry, if you are interested in losing weight or have another vice you are trying to break I would say give it a read, (thanks Hannah)
http://www.amazon.com/Women-Food-God-Unexpected-Everything/dp/1416543082/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1298348033&sr=8-1
So I went to my appointment eager to show the doctor that all my hard work had paid off and when I got on the scale there, my weight loss was only 5.5lbs, I was a little disappointed.
Okay so I take that back, I was very disappointed. I didn't understand why the numbers weren't more. I felt like I have done better than I have ever done and wanted to see the results on the scale.
But instead of blowing things out of proportion and giving up completely (again) or totally sabotaging my efforts by going on a food bender, I decided to do a little retail therapy. I went to the store and bought a pretty new bedding set and some new work out clothes, I may be disappointed but its only one weigh in and hey I lost five pounds!!! I am rewarding myself in Healthier ways, not with food. So even though the numbers are not killer this month, at least they are going in the right direction, and my behaviors are better, can't really ask for more than that. I have said all along that this whole issue with weight and eating is 99.9% mental, if I can beat that, the numbers will continue to go down.
Now to really start the physical stuff.
My buddy/co-worker has challenged another friend/coworker to a training duel, to see who can assist me and another friend in losing the most weight by July 1st of this year, so I am going to be entering a gym membership this week, this could be interesting....
I have been very fortunate to have really great family, friends and coworkers who keep me motivated, thank you guys! Next weigh in my numbers will be fabulous!
Patiently plugging along~C
By the way,
I have found a great resource, its a book by Geneen Roth, I will share the info at the bottom of this entry, if you are interested in losing weight or have another vice you are trying to break I would say give it a read, (thanks Hannah)
http://www.amazon.com/Women-Food-God-Unexpected-Everything/dp/1416543082/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1298348033&sr=8-1
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Dropping the ball
What a crazy week!
I have NOT done a very good job of following my diet or exercise plan this week.
I stayed at work from Tuesday evening until Friday morning due to bad weather here, I am so stinking sick of winter time! We had a couple foot of snow, yes I said foot! Its hard to believe we had a near blizzard in Arkansas! Fortunately I work in a hospital that allows its employees to stay there in a room during inclement weather so that the units will remain staffed should others not be able to make it in. The bad thing is, I worked, I ate cafeteria food, worked some night shifts and snacked/grazed on crap, then when I got home I fell back into my old habits and "rewarded" myself for staying and working the shifts.
Now, I know better, I do, but I still gave in, and it was EASY!
This has given me a lot to think about concerning my surgery, cause the old habits are still going to be there, and if something stressful comes up, I could fall into the old habits again. Even when my body changes and the desire for food diminshes, I still have to keep my head. I need a mind makeover too. I head back to the doctor next week, better get it together and quick, I need to show a loss of pounds on that scale.
How do you overcome those lifelong habits?
The only thing I can think of is to create some better ones.
Onward for another week!!
The snow is melting, hopefully I will be soon too!!!
I have NOT done a very good job of following my diet or exercise plan this week.
I stayed at work from Tuesday evening until Friday morning due to bad weather here, I am so stinking sick of winter time! We had a couple foot of snow, yes I said foot! Its hard to believe we had a near blizzard in Arkansas! Fortunately I work in a hospital that allows its employees to stay there in a room during inclement weather so that the units will remain staffed should others not be able to make it in. The bad thing is, I worked, I ate cafeteria food, worked some night shifts and snacked/grazed on crap, then when I got home I fell back into my old habits and "rewarded" myself for staying and working the shifts.
Now, I know better, I do, but I still gave in, and it was EASY!
This has given me a lot to think about concerning my surgery, cause the old habits are still going to be there, and if something stressful comes up, I could fall into the old habits again. Even when my body changes and the desire for food diminshes, I still have to keep my head. I need a mind makeover too. I head back to the doctor next week, better get it together and quick, I need to show a loss of pounds on that scale.
How do you overcome those lifelong habits?
The only thing I can think of is to create some better ones.
Onward for another week!!
The snow is melting, hopefully I will be soon too!!!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Living in a deep freeze
This has been a very crappy week for me. Stuck at home for the last 3 days with four hyper kids, and one hyper dog. We got some very nasty winter weather that caused me and my hubby to miss a day of work and the kids to miss 4 days of school. We had about 8-9 inches of snow, with a nifty layer of ice under it, and temperatures have not been above freezing yet so it is not going anywhere.
There is little I despise less than icy dangerous roads, I don't really like driving anyways, but I hate the idea of having an accident or someone getting stranded, hurt or killed because of bad roads. We live waaaayyy out in the country. I have a one way commute to work of 37.5 miles, during conditions like this, its just too much of a risk to make it into work. But, because every absence counts against you and I need a decent paycheck, I have to make it in.
And so, tomorrow morning I am scheduled and my wonderful hubby is going to brave the nasty roads for me to take me into work, and then I am either staying in the hospital or at a friend's house til Sunday so I can work all weekend. Yay me.
I went to the bariatric doctor on Monday, restarted my six months of diet and exercise for my insurance to approve my gastric bypass surgery. I am still a skeptic, I am terrified of surgery, but I think it may be the next logical step if I continue not to lose weight.
I weighed in 10lbs more than I did my last visit in September, ten pounds, Really??
I have no idea how that could be possible. Talk about a downer. Maybe I need a mega dose of midol or a water pill or laxative or something, this can't be fat.
So I went to the dietician and told her what I had been eating and the exercise I have been doing and according to her, everything looks good but the numbers. I guess I need to bump it up some more. That has been my goal for this week. And while my dieting has been better, (I have so cut back on the diet coke) and I have restarted my protein shake meal replacements (yum, NOT) I have not done much exercise.
I have been on my treadmill twice all week. I haven't done a video, I haven't done much of anything but play on facebook and break up fights between my bored children.
I feel depressed and down and I don't know why. Maybe its because its cold and nasty and I NEED SUNSHINE! or maybe its because I have the worst case of cabin fever in history. Regardless, I have to get it together, my next Dr appt is the 22nd, I have got to see a difference on that scale.
So the theme of this week is BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE.
I can't wait til Spring/Summer, groundhog says it coming soon, he better be right.
Thanks for all the support guys I def need it.
Any tips for staying motivated or easy things to do to cut calories?
Stay warm.
The human ice cube- C
There is little I despise less than icy dangerous roads, I don't really like driving anyways, but I hate the idea of having an accident or someone getting stranded, hurt or killed because of bad roads. We live waaaayyy out in the country. I have a one way commute to work of 37.5 miles, during conditions like this, its just too much of a risk to make it into work. But, because every absence counts against you and I need a decent paycheck, I have to make it in.
And so, tomorrow morning I am scheduled and my wonderful hubby is going to brave the nasty roads for me to take me into work, and then I am either staying in the hospital or at a friend's house til Sunday so I can work all weekend. Yay me.
I went to the bariatric doctor on Monday, restarted my six months of diet and exercise for my insurance to approve my gastric bypass surgery. I am still a skeptic, I am terrified of surgery, but I think it may be the next logical step if I continue not to lose weight.
I weighed in 10lbs more than I did my last visit in September, ten pounds, Really??
I have no idea how that could be possible. Talk about a downer. Maybe I need a mega dose of midol or a water pill or laxative or something, this can't be fat.
So I went to the dietician and told her what I had been eating and the exercise I have been doing and according to her, everything looks good but the numbers. I guess I need to bump it up some more. That has been my goal for this week. And while my dieting has been better, (I have so cut back on the diet coke) and I have restarted my protein shake meal replacements (yum, NOT) I have not done much exercise.
I have been on my treadmill twice all week. I haven't done a video, I haven't done much of anything but play on facebook and break up fights between my bored children.
I feel depressed and down and I don't know why. Maybe its because its cold and nasty and I NEED SUNSHINE! or maybe its because I have the worst case of cabin fever in history. Regardless, I have to get it together, my next Dr appt is the 22nd, I have got to see a difference on that scale.
So the theme of this week is BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE.
I can't wait til Spring/Summer, groundhog says it coming soon, he better be right.
Thanks for all the support guys I def need it.
Any tips for staying motivated or easy things to do to cut calories?
Stay warm.
The human ice cube- C
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