Hey there Stranger...

I gotta quit doing this, not blogging for months at a time, then it takes forever to catch everyone up to speed. Well, here it goes. The big news is that in August, I left my job at the acute care crisis psych unit for a director job at a geriatric psychiatric unit. The job change was a huge stressor that I didn't fully understand at the time. I saw dollar signs a shorter commute plus they wanted me, to really be in charge? Awesome. It has had its up and downs but the one thing I didn't account for is the fact that I eat fast food garbage almost every day, and my butt shows it! My job is pretty sedentary, which doesn't help much either. I really like my job for the most part, I really enjoy the patients and folks I work with. I just have got to get more mobile and eat better.
So in the spirit of the new year and the new beginning, I am going to do just that, begin again. Sooner or later  you would think I would get tired of falling off that horse and ride it out. I sure want to. What I need from you my glorious minions, is your support and motivation. I am going to lose this fat, I will rock it out. I got a plan, I got a backup plan and I am ready. I am going to be blogging my journey, at least weekly.

                      2013 Will be MY YEAR!!

Starting over yet AGAIN!!!!

So I didn't have the surgery, big shocker there huh? I went in for my EGD, got as far as my IV and found out that because my doctor had prescribed Phentermine for me to help me lose the presurgery weight for insurance approval, I had to reschedule and be off the medication for 2 weeks.
My husband talked with me after that ordeal and told me his feelings, he is really afraid of me doing something so  drastic, he is afraid of complications and he doesn't want to lose me. Needless to say, I didn't reschedule the procedure and I dropped out of the presurgery program again determined to continue losing the weight myself.
Then life happened! My hubby lost his job/insurance, I spent the latter part of the year working tons of overtime to compensate for the lose of income, then the holidays came, then winter, depression and you guessed it I gained it back. All but ten pounds that is.
So now its April and we are planning our summer vacation getaway, he has a new job with great benefits, I am not working overtime very often at all. I have been in a bad mood for a very long time. I want to feel better, I want to be happier. My attitude has been poor, and I need to get better. I don't want be this fat, bitter person. Its affecting me at home, at work, with my family, my friends. I am hiding out, stuck in a big old rut.
Then this weekend I worked my hiney off literally, busy day on my feet all 13 hours. After work, my feet and lower legs swelled up on me to the point that I could hardly get my sneakers off. Then the rash came, then the red and brown blanching spots. I freaked out and made a doctors appointment. I am a nurse I have seen this before. What is it? Diabetes? Vascular disease? Blood Clots? Venous stasis?
I don't want to lose my legs, I am only 34, I can't end up in a wheel chair,I am too big, it will kill me.  I don't want to die! I want to live, see my children grown, play with my grand kids someday, I don't want this all taken away from me. I have got to do something. I don't have a choice.
My doctor was puzzled by the swelling but seems to think its related to my thyroid and obesity. I got some water pills and the swelling is going down. I still have the discoloration although I am drinking tons of water and wearing compression stockings and getting up and walking frequently. I will do whatever it takes, this is a huge wake up call for me.
I posted a request for diet suggestions on Facebook and I got lots of positive responses. I am going to do this. Chicken breasts and salads sure aren't pizza and hamburgers, but its what I have to do to live.
I still don't know if I will have the surgery down the road. In my heart of hearts I don't want to. I want to be strong enough to do it on my own. I know its a long road and I have just barely scratched the surface.
This blog is part of my process so I will try to keep it updated as much as possible. It helps me to get these thoughts out of my head and the responses I get are very much appreciated and useful to me. Thank you to those who follow me, I really appreciate your concern and your prayers. 
Time to change my life~ C
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