Unhappy,unfit, unwell and unmotivated

ICKK! Horrid mood, tired, grumpy and just plain BLAH! I have absolutely no motivation, no desire to do what I am supposed to, I am just plain LAZY today. I am grouchy, I want to be in my comfy pjs relazing in my lazy boy doing nothing but breathing and reading my book until I fall asleep at 7:30 like a little old lady!
I am only 35!! What the heck?
I really don't know what I get this way. Maybe its stress, may its hormonal, I am not sure but I know that I really need to get a grip on it. When I get to feeling this way I let all common sense go to the wayside.
"Sure, lets order pizza for lunch" "one coke won't hurt" "chocolate, why not, I have been good" " Can we skip walking today, I got stuff to do and I am tired" Lazy, Lazy, Lazy! And I wonder why I can't lose this weight?
All this self sabotage is really getting to me!
I am a nurse, I know what I need to do. I know the mechanics of the human body. I know the "formula" for losing weight. I know the key to having more energy. I know that I feel great when I follow the rules. So why can't I make myself do it?
In my giant stubborn brain I know that the reason I feel like crap today is because of my diet and activity choices. How do you make yourself do something you need even when you don't want to?
Its a constant struggle. I need that buddy with willpower to drag my butt to the gym, or the trail or wherever.
Apparently I have no real willpower of my own.
I brought a salad for lunch today. I very fine salad might I add,, and I ate pizza instead!!!! Why??
Because it was there? Because I felt I deserved it? Because I have a food addiction? oh, wait a minute. I think I know the answer to that and it scares me.
What if I am addicted to food, bad food, junk food, fast food, carbs, sugar, soda? Addicted.
That makes this whole weight loss concept a lot harder doesn't it?
Food is not something that you can just dispose of and never touch again. If I were an alcoholic, I could just get rid of the alcohol, if I were into drugs I could just avoid them.  But food is an entirely different matter. I once had a friend explain to me about her food addiction that its like you put a tiger in a jar, if your tiger were a substance like drugs or alcohol you could just not ever open the jar again, but for food, you take the tiger out of the jar and play with it three times a day.You have to train the tiger not to bite you, and make it tame enough that you can play with it and put it willingly back in the jar.
 That made a lot of sense to me. Apparently my food tiger has a sweet tooth and a pizza fetish. So what's a girl to do?
I am going to just treat every day as a new chance to meet my goals. Its so hard to get past the food as a reward thing, I have to rationalize with myself that food is only nourishment for my body. Not a crutch for everything I perceive as a wrong done to me in my life. Not as an outlet for a really stressful day, or as a replacement for someone to talk to.
I have found myfitnesspal.com which is an app that you I-phone users can get  to keep track of your calorie intake, its free and its awesome. I really like it.
 My next step will be planning my meals in advance, getting control of my grocery shopping and budget. And of course getting rid of all those eat out nights and crappy food choices in the pantry.
Then of course the important part exercise I am going to drag my booty to the walking trail or gym whether I like it or not. Cause I know that as much as I dread it I feel so much better after I do it!
Finally I am going to forgive myself, I had done poorly today, tomorrow is a fresh slate. I am going to have a better and more healthy day tomorrow. That's what its all about isn't it,? getting back on track. I need some feedback Minions, what helps or has helped keep you motivated? What do you pull on when you are feeling low,lazy ect?     How do you tame your tiger?                                            
              Grumpily yours ~C                                                                        

New Year New Decisions

Do I dare even do it? Those dreaded and always broken New Years Resolutions.
I have done a lot of pondering today on the fresh start we get every 365 days when we can reboot our lives and go toward whatever goals we have for ourselves with a clean slate.
2012 wasn't the worst year ever, it wasn't a real high point year for me either, but, isn't that just how life goes?
 So instead of worrying about making up some stupid resolutions that I will not be able to live up to for more than a month I decided to make conscious decisions about my life and the route I want it to go.

I think when you reach a certain age all of the big birthdays are kind of a thing of the past, you know you look forward to these moments in life that are your hallmark moments. You turn 16 you get your license, 18 you are an adult by law, 21 you are legal for alcohol. You graduate high school, you go to college, you graduate college, you get married, you start a family. Then it slows down, you raise your kids. They get old enough that maybe they don't need you quite as much, you grow stagnate. The kids grow up and leave and what is left? Grandkids, Retirement, impending old age and regret, loss of family members to old age, loss of independence, then death? Is that really all there is?

I already look back on raising my kids to this point, so many regrets, I see those little round cherub faced babies in these pictures and wonder where on earth did time go? I wish I had enjoyed it more, that baby smell, those firsts, I wish I had paid more attention, soaked it all in. I wish I had enjoyed it more because once those moments are gone they are gone forever, and they go by entirely too fast. I feel like I missed the big picture. I was young, broke, and stressed. I didn't realize how much of a miracle each one of them were at that time. I wish I had only knew how quickly it would pass.
My babies are still at home, my oldest 2 years from 18, my youngest entering that preteen time. I can't believe it has happened so quickly. I wish I had slowed down and paid more attention. I always just feel like I am living too fast, and I need to enjoy things more. I still have time right now to instill those things in my children that I want them to know. I want them to not make the same mistakes I have, I want them to live life to the absolute fullest because time always passes too fast. I have not done a good job of being that example for them. My diet and exercise habits are not good. I am passing on my horrible habits and obesity on to them and to their future families. There are so many things I want to do with them while I can before they are grown and have their own lives to live. I want to travel and take them to see new things. I want to be the fun mom that does things with them. I want to be there.
What about spiritually? I don't often sprout words of wisdom from The Bible. I am a Christian, I do believe in God and the Bible, but I am not currently in a church and I am far from any person to get spiritual advice from. And growing up in church I do believe something is missing. I need to instill that faith in my children, that way they will walk with God and know that they are never alone.
I had a long talk with God this morning on my drive into work. I need His guidance back in my life. Its been far too long.
I finally let go of a lot of things I have been holding onto. I don't have room for them anymore, I have made a lot of changes in this past year and it has been hard to let go.  I have had to cut my losses and let go of negative relationships in my life and negative people. I have had to forgive and let go of hurt that I never have understood, I don't want to be bitter anymore. I have to move on and find my happiness. My happiness lies with my family, my children are the most important thing in my life. I need to be more for them.
 I have been on this weight loss roller coaster and failed time and time again, but this time I think I will succeed, because I know that no matter how strong I think I am I CANNOT DO IT ALONE.
I have so many blessings in this life that I know I do not deserve, and I am thankful for the love of my friends and family, and all the things the Lord has bestowed upon me. I have a husband who loves me regardless of my dress size, a nice warm home to come into every evening, four beautiful, healthy children, spoiled dogs, and a job that is perfect for me. The rest is up to me. So now for the weight loss portion of this blog. I am doing lots of research, I want to do this the right way, the slow way, the permanent way.
So I have started slowly, cutting down on the soda, making better food choices, making plans to start walking after work,drinking more water. Reading books about weight loss, being motivated. I am on track , it is no longer about just losing weight, it is about renewing my life, being healthy and being happy, I know I can do it with my New Year's Decisions, not resolutions.