So I usually don't post two blog entries so close together, but something happened today that I want to share and see how others have dealt with it.
I am a nurse on a psychiatric unit, and we are required to learn self defense-type moves to keep our patients and others safe. Walking into the training I felt very self conscious, I am the heaviest one here, including the guys. Luckily we had a smaller class so that made things a little easier, and going through the basic grabs felt okay, but when we had to drop to our knees and pull someone down with us, flip them around and put them on their belly while we laid on our sides next to them, I felt very nervous. Just watching my co-workers who I love and trust, I felt like a beached whale, I was sooo embarassed about my size. If felt myself tearing up and the dramatic part of my personality wanted to jump up and leave. What if my shirt came up and everyone saw my fat belly (it did ), what if I crush someone because of my weight (I did), what if I hurt someone, what if I get hurt? Eventually it was my turn and you know what, I did okay. The worrying about it was far worse than the reality of doing it, and I was judging myself much harder than others were.
Processing this later today I realized that we really are our worst critics. Nobody I worked with thought badly of me today regarding my size, I was just doing a mandatory training for my job. When I spoke to one of my friends about this she told me, "Nobody is judging you"
But I was judging myself and setting myself up for failure because I told myself that everyone was secretly thinking bad thoughts about me. The reason I am posting this is because this way of thinking sabotages me all the time. I don't do things I enjoy because of being embarassed about myself/my size/my weight. Thats why I don't go out dancing with my husband, its why I don't get up and sing in front of people (even though I am pretty darn good at it) Its why I don't follow through with going to the gym or exercising, I feel like people are thinking "God she is so fat, why does she even bother?"
I am not going to do this anymore, I have to be in control of these negative thoughts and realize that everyone has negative feelings about themselves, there is something that everyone hates, whether its their weight, their hair, their complexion, their thighs, we all have our insecurities.
So that is my new goal, I am going to try to push beyond that "embarassment" and live my life.
I CAN do this!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Weigh in #1 2/21/11~ Baby Steps~
Hello everyone, having a hard time gathering my thoughts tonight so bear with me. I went back today to my 2nd Diet and Exercise doctors appt, (insurance requires 6 months for precert for gastric bypass surgery) I have officially given up soda and was quite anxious to see what the results are. I worked all weekend and weighed in there late yesterday, and the work scale showed a 8-9lb weight loss, I was elated!
So I went to my appointment eager to show the doctor that all my hard work had paid off and when I got on the scale there, my weight loss was only 5.5lbs, I was a little disappointed.
Okay so I take that back, I was very disappointed. I didn't understand why the numbers weren't more. I felt like I have done better than I have ever done and wanted to see the results on the scale.
But instead of blowing things out of proportion and giving up completely (again) or totally sabotaging my efforts by going on a food bender, I decided to do a little retail therapy. I went to the store and bought a pretty new bedding set and some new work out clothes, I may be disappointed but its only one weigh in and hey I lost five pounds!!! I am rewarding myself in Healthier ways, not with food. So even though the numbers are not killer this month, at least they are going in the right direction, and my behaviors are better, can't really ask for more than that. I have said all along that this whole issue with weight and eating is 99.9% mental, if I can beat that, the numbers will continue to go down.
Now to really start the physical stuff.
My buddy/co-worker has challenged another friend/coworker to a training duel, to see who can assist me and another friend in losing the most weight by July 1st of this year, so I am going to be entering a gym membership this week, this could be interesting....
I have been very fortunate to have really great family, friends and coworkers who keep me motivated, thank you guys! Next weigh in my numbers will be fabulous!
Patiently plugging along~C
By the way,
I have found a great resource, its a book by Geneen Roth, I will share the info at the bottom of this entry, if you are interested in losing weight or have another vice you are trying to break I would say give it a read, (thanks Hannah)
http://www.amazon.com/Women-Food-God-Unexpected-Everything/dp/1416543082/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1298348033&sr=8-1
So I went to my appointment eager to show the doctor that all my hard work had paid off and when I got on the scale there, my weight loss was only 5.5lbs, I was a little disappointed.
Okay so I take that back, I was very disappointed. I didn't understand why the numbers weren't more. I felt like I have done better than I have ever done and wanted to see the results on the scale.
But instead of blowing things out of proportion and giving up completely (again) or totally sabotaging my efforts by going on a food bender, I decided to do a little retail therapy. I went to the store and bought a pretty new bedding set and some new work out clothes, I may be disappointed but its only one weigh in and hey I lost five pounds!!! I am rewarding myself in Healthier ways, not with food. So even though the numbers are not killer this month, at least they are going in the right direction, and my behaviors are better, can't really ask for more than that. I have said all along that this whole issue with weight and eating is 99.9% mental, if I can beat that, the numbers will continue to go down.
Now to really start the physical stuff.
My buddy/co-worker has challenged another friend/coworker to a training duel, to see who can assist me and another friend in losing the most weight by July 1st of this year, so I am going to be entering a gym membership this week, this could be interesting....
I have been very fortunate to have really great family, friends and coworkers who keep me motivated, thank you guys! Next weigh in my numbers will be fabulous!
Patiently plugging along~C
By the way,
I have found a great resource, its a book by Geneen Roth, I will share the info at the bottom of this entry, if you are interested in losing weight or have another vice you are trying to break I would say give it a read, (thanks Hannah)
http://www.amazon.com/Women-Food-God-Unexpected-Everything/dp/1416543082/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1298348033&sr=8-1
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Dropping the ball
What a crazy week!
I have NOT done a very good job of following my diet or exercise plan this week.
I stayed at work from Tuesday evening until Friday morning due to bad weather here, I am so stinking sick of winter time! We had a couple foot of snow, yes I said foot! Its hard to believe we had a near blizzard in Arkansas! Fortunately I work in a hospital that allows its employees to stay there in a room during inclement weather so that the units will remain staffed should others not be able to make it in. The bad thing is, I worked, I ate cafeteria food, worked some night shifts and snacked/grazed on crap, then when I got home I fell back into my old habits and "rewarded" myself for staying and working the shifts.
Now, I know better, I do, but I still gave in, and it was EASY!
This has given me a lot to think about concerning my surgery, cause the old habits are still going to be there, and if something stressful comes up, I could fall into the old habits again. Even when my body changes and the desire for food diminshes, I still have to keep my head. I need a mind makeover too. I head back to the doctor next week, better get it together and quick, I need to show a loss of pounds on that scale.
How do you overcome those lifelong habits?
The only thing I can think of is to create some better ones.
Onward for another week!!
The snow is melting, hopefully I will be soon too!!!
I have NOT done a very good job of following my diet or exercise plan this week.
I stayed at work from Tuesday evening until Friday morning due to bad weather here, I am so stinking sick of winter time! We had a couple foot of snow, yes I said foot! Its hard to believe we had a near blizzard in Arkansas! Fortunately I work in a hospital that allows its employees to stay there in a room during inclement weather so that the units will remain staffed should others not be able to make it in. The bad thing is, I worked, I ate cafeteria food, worked some night shifts and snacked/grazed on crap, then when I got home I fell back into my old habits and "rewarded" myself for staying and working the shifts.
Now, I know better, I do, but I still gave in, and it was EASY!
This has given me a lot to think about concerning my surgery, cause the old habits are still going to be there, and if something stressful comes up, I could fall into the old habits again. Even when my body changes and the desire for food diminshes, I still have to keep my head. I need a mind makeover too. I head back to the doctor next week, better get it together and quick, I need to show a loss of pounds on that scale.
How do you overcome those lifelong habits?
The only thing I can think of is to create some better ones.
Onward for another week!!
The snow is melting, hopefully I will be soon too!!!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Living in a deep freeze
This has been a very crappy week for me. Stuck at home for the last 3 days with four hyper kids, and one hyper dog. We got some very nasty winter weather that caused me and my hubby to miss a day of work and the kids to miss 4 days of school. We had about 8-9 inches of snow, with a nifty layer of ice under it, and temperatures have not been above freezing yet so it is not going anywhere.
There is little I despise less than icy dangerous roads, I don't really like driving anyways, but I hate the idea of having an accident or someone getting stranded, hurt or killed because of bad roads. We live waaaayyy out in the country. I have a one way commute to work of 37.5 miles, during conditions like this, its just too much of a risk to make it into work. But, because every absence counts against you and I need a decent paycheck, I have to make it in.
And so, tomorrow morning I am scheduled and my wonderful hubby is going to brave the nasty roads for me to take me into work, and then I am either staying in the hospital or at a friend's house til Sunday so I can work all weekend. Yay me.
I went to the bariatric doctor on Monday, restarted my six months of diet and exercise for my insurance to approve my gastric bypass surgery. I am still a skeptic, I am terrified of surgery, but I think it may be the next logical step if I continue not to lose weight.
I weighed in 10lbs more than I did my last visit in September, ten pounds, Really??
I have no idea how that could be possible. Talk about a downer. Maybe I need a mega dose of midol or a water pill or laxative or something, this can't be fat.
So I went to the dietician and told her what I had been eating and the exercise I have been doing and according to her, everything looks good but the numbers. I guess I need to bump it up some more. That has been my goal for this week. And while my dieting has been better, (I have so cut back on the diet coke) and I have restarted my protein shake meal replacements (yum, NOT) I have not done much exercise.
I have been on my treadmill twice all week. I haven't done a video, I haven't done much of anything but play on facebook and break up fights between my bored children.
I feel depressed and down and I don't know why. Maybe its because its cold and nasty and I NEED SUNSHINE! or maybe its because I have the worst case of cabin fever in history. Regardless, I have to get it together, my next Dr appt is the 22nd, I have got to see a difference on that scale.
So the theme of this week is BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE.
I can't wait til Spring/Summer, groundhog says it coming soon, he better be right.
Thanks for all the support guys I def need it.
Any tips for staying motivated or easy things to do to cut calories?
Stay warm.
The human ice cube- C
There is little I despise less than icy dangerous roads, I don't really like driving anyways, but I hate the idea of having an accident or someone getting stranded, hurt or killed because of bad roads. We live waaaayyy out in the country. I have a one way commute to work of 37.5 miles, during conditions like this, its just too much of a risk to make it into work. But, because every absence counts against you and I need a decent paycheck, I have to make it in.
And so, tomorrow morning I am scheduled and my wonderful hubby is going to brave the nasty roads for me to take me into work, and then I am either staying in the hospital or at a friend's house til Sunday so I can work all weekend. Yay me.
I went to the bariatric doctor on Monday, restarted my six months of diet and exercise for my insurance to approve my gastric bypass surgery. I am still a skeptic, I am terrified of surgery, but I think it may be the next logical step if I continue not to lose weight.
I weighed in 10lbs more than I did my last visit in September, ten pounds, Really??
I have no idea how that could be possible. Talk about a downer. Maybe I need a mega dose of midol or a water pill or laxative or something, this can't be fat.
So I went to the dietician and told her what I had been eating and the exercise I have been doing and according to her, everything looks good but the numbers. I guess I need to bump it up some more. That has been my goal for this week. And while my dieting has been better, (I have so cut back on the diet coke) and I have restarted my protein shake meal replacements (yum, NOT) I have not done much exercise.
I have been on my treadmill twice all week. I haven't done a video, I haven't done much of anything but play on facebook and break up fights between my bored children.
I feel depressed and down and I don't know why. Maybe its because its cold and nasty and I NEED SUNSHINE! or maybe its because I have the worst case of cabin fever in history. Regardless, I have to get it together, my next Dr appt is the 22nd, I have got to see a difference on that scale.
So the theme of this week is BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE.
I can't wait til Spring/Summer, groundhog says it coming soon, he better be right.
Thanks for all the support guys I def need it.
Any tips for staying motivated or easy things to do to cut calories?
Stay warm.
The human ice cube- C
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