Enough Already

I am getting impatient. I mean, I can see the scale inching downward slowly, I can see the difference in  my face in the mirror, I can feel that my clothes are loose on me and that I can wear stuff that I haven't worn in ages but I am still not happy.
 Its not enough. Its not even close to enough.
You really think you are looking good and you don't realize how big you still are, until you see the pictures. Then you are ashamed. I am.  So I get frustrated, and I want to fall back on my old habits. I want to reward myself for all my hard work. Why does this have to be so stinking hard?

 Why couldn't I have just been born thin?

I see these people all the time who can eat what they want and have never had to deal with a weight issue in their lives. I am so jealous of that. Being fat is such a big part of who I have always been as a person. You know, the funny girl who likes to make people smile. The self depreciating type who makes herself and her size a big joke. But its not funny.  I am tired of being the one who I shoot verbal barbs at, I am tired of disrespecting myself to get people to like me.

 I can still be funny, and fun to be around without dragging myself down with it. I expected that this road to wellness would lead me through new experiences and make me stronger, and I expected there to be changes made. But I never expected to question myself and who I have always been.

Maybe that is why I am struggling so much with all the decisions I am going to have to make real soon.
I don't want to have gastric bypass. I want the results, but I am scared of surgery. Its irreversible. I could die on the table, I could die from complications. I could leave my children without a mother, my husband without his wife, my parents without a daughter.  I could spend the rest of my life feeling terrible and sick. I could become such a basket case that I never want to leave my house.

But I could be phenomenal. I could be beautiful and thin and feel great. I could be the type of person I always wanted to be. One who enjoys being outdoors and who isn't afraid or embarrassed to do things that most folks consider fun. One who isn't afraid of going to the amusement park or going on a flight in fear of not fitting in the seats.  One of those girls who loves to go shopping for new clothes. Normal.

No matter what I decide, this is not the "easy way out". One thing is for certain, My life will be forever changed.

Part of me wants to say, I can do this on my own, I don't need surgery. I need willpower. The other part says, there is no way I can succeed without help.

What do I do?

I watch the biggest loser for inspiration. Week after week I see these people who weigh less than I do drop 10+ pounds per week, PER WEEK! I have lost 26, over a period of MONTHS! 5 months to be exact. What the heck?

I am just feeling so frustrated with myself right now.
Say a prayer for me please, I am having such a hard time staying on track.

Hoping for better news next time- C